ENO Doublenest: The shittiest sex swing I’ve ever seen.

First off, I’d like to say that ENO is an incredible company. I agree with their ideals, their attitudes towards business, and most importantly, their product. They’re still a small operation, with only 15 employees, but they have over 750 retailers, and despite having something that I wouldn’t necessarily consider a staple product, they’ve done quite well for themselves. Go to any park and you’ll see them strung up between the trees. Plus they let me review the Eno Doublenest and Atlas straps gratis.

I sold the yoga toes foot massager. It’s literally a silver bullet vibrator put into a box with some grapefruit scented oils and toe separators. I know sex in the outdoor industry when I see it. And this is a sex swing. There’s no reason for a hammock to fit two people. Nobody has ever thought to themselves “I would like to supplement the freedom and relaxation of a hammock by grinding my face into someone’s shoulder.” Sure it’s incredibly comfortable to use as a chair during the day, but by night it’s a booty cocoon. And a cursed one at that. I’ve spent many a lonely, albeit comfortable, night in the Double nest.

2012-A dilapidated house in Michigan

My buddy Dave went to some backwards country to climb some big piece of rock. He was the only one with a big boy job in a house full of climbers, so he always had the cool gear. This includes an ENO doublenest set up inside his room. It was bright orange and most often functioned as a couch. Being a couple of sexually frustrated 20 somethings, Anthony and I started a friendly game.

We called it “See who can have the most sex on Dave’s possessions” ball.

Being two gorgeous bastions of manly odors, we figured the scores would be in the double digits easily. After realizing our ambitions may be a tad high, we wound up tying at the end of a month with a whopping 0:0.

2013- Big Sur
Natalie from ENO graciously decided that after a dry spell deemed a human rights violation under the Geneva Conventions, it was time for me to get laid. So she sent me a free ENO Doublenest and a pair of Atlas straps and released me onto the world. Within weeks, some fly honeys “just happened to be in the Bay Area “. After them flirtatiously suggesting that I “Don’t come, we really just wanted this to be a girls weekend.” we headed to Big Sur.

I find two appropriately positioned trees, which, given the roomy 10ft. length of the hammock and 9ft long Atlas straps is fairly easy to do. So I pull out my Dave scented blanket to ignite their hormones, and start fueling up for the coming sex rampage. I sensually drink 7 or 8 beers almost immediately while the girls unpacked the car. “Are you going to fucking help us?” they whispered seductively.

I maintained my silence. The dance has begun.

Around midnight things were going according to plan. The firelight flickered, the clear view of the galaxy sharply silhouetted the trees. You could feel the universe move and the ocean had cooled the air to perfection. It was exquisite. All of existence had come together in an unprecedented unity of spirit and nature. I was totally going to plow some vag-holes.

I had relieved them of the burden of conversation for a few hours by telling hilarious joke after hilarious joke. Each quip better than the last. The coals grow dim, and the light fades. It’s time. I launch myself at the hammock, and did a super cool front flip, sitting calmly on my own face. I whispered to them in all the languages of the world “Come to f*ck hammock USA.”

Then it all fell apart. I woke up the next morning, cold and alone. Next time I’ll bring a sleeping pad for insulation. Clearly that was the issue.

July 4th, 2014- Yosemite

Ok. After a sexually frustrating year, I’m ready to try again. I’ve analyzed my previous follies and I know my mistakes. This trip is engineered to lead to success. I read “The Art of War”, my victory is assured.

I called in people from San Francisco and Portland. We had 2 guys, three girls, and 3 ENO DOUBLENESTS. It’s statistically impossible for me not to get laid. We are equipped with an entire rainbow of sex swings. We get a gigantic amount of beer. Everybody has an amazing day of bouldering in Tuolumne Meadows. I’m crushing V0s left and right. Screaming real loud so they know I’m worth it, and giving really handsy, lingering power spots to get everyone in the mood. My rib bones rippling, taught beneath my snowy white flesh.

Night 1-We get back to camp AND THESE FUCKWITS GO INTO THEIR TENTS AND GO TO BED. No matter, there are still three more nights. I put my big agnes air core into the hammock, creating a firm, comfortable surface to rest on, as well as providing insulation for the night while I contemplate my chastity. In an almost unheard of occurance, I actually had to peel back my covers because I got too hot. I definitely recommend sleeping with a sleeping pad. It’s a remarkably comfortable set up.

Night 2- THEY’RE NOT EVEN USING THE HAMMOCKS. THEY’RE SLEEPING IN TENTS LIKE A BUNCH OF NUNS. I’M GETTING DRUNK. I THINK I USED TOO MUCH J-TREE CLIMBING BALM. I HOPE BEARS DON’T EAT MY HANDS.I’M A PEOPLE FLAVORED HOT POCKET. I COULD USE A PEOPLE FLAVORED HOT POCKET.

Night 3- Fuck it. This sex swing is not working. I tried taking out the sleeping pad. It’s warm enough if you’re drunk, but as you sober up throughout the night it gets chilly (and this is a July, California night). I was a little stiff upon waking up because with the sleeping pad gone I didn’t move much in my sleep. But clearly something is wrong with this hammock. Despite all odds, I haven’t had cirque du soleil type mid air sex. I give up and hereby devote myself to a lifetime of Chastity, even though I could get some serious poon-tang if I wanted to, but I don’t think I need to really prove myself to you guys.

Pros
*Lighter and smaller than a tent by far (19oz. for the hammock and 11oz. for the straps)
*With a sleeping pad, it is remarkably comfortable. I’m used to sleeping on the ground, but just because I can do it doesn’t mean it’s comfortable. But I’ve slept through the whole night with the Doublenest and a Big Agnes Air Core sleeping pad, which has literally never happened before.
*For someone with more game than me, maybe this could fit two.
*The material is a really breathable, quick drying nylon, so it doesn’t get too soaked from your tears.
*It claims a 400 pound capacity. I’m not so sure about the biners though. I would be surprised if they held 400lbs, but that’s an easy fix if they do break.
*The stuff sack is attached, so packing up is a breeze. You can sleep in later and finish breaking camp sooner than anybody else.
*The Atlas straps are a 15 loop daisy chain set up, so they have plenty of uses beyond the hammock.
*They have plenty of room. I was worried about being constricted, but especially with a sleeping pad, it’s never been an issue.
*They look sick as hell when you instagram a picture of your beChacoed feet at the bottom of the hammock and #ENO. Guaranteed 5 likes minimum.
*Seems like a good sturdy product, with easily replaceable parts and a simple design.
*After a few beers, it’s like sleeping in outer space. A truly magical experience.

Cons
*ass hats think they look sick as hell when they instagram a picture of their beChacoed feet at the bottom of the hammock with #ENO. And then at least five of their yuppie friends like it.
*The hammock has very specific usage. And unlike some other shelter options, there’s no leniency. You either have something to tie it to or you don’t, and if the trees aren’t there, then you don’t get a hammock.
*Without a sleeping pad you lose heat very rapidly. The air blowing under you will just suck it right out.
*Bears can eat your hands.
*Really hard to enter while drinking.